Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A fresh start

Why?  Because I started my other blog with anger in my heart and it was ugly.  When I first started that blog I wanted the title to have the word "faith" in it, but I was too upset to even consider my faith in Jesus to help me heal from the wrong that was done to me and my husband, yet again.  Thus, I could not bring myself to use it in the title of a blog that revealed the dark in me instead of the light of Jesus.  The posts prior to this one were the only ones I wanted to import from that sad, anger-filled blog.

I'll admit, I'm very, very far from even wanting to reconcile with my husband's daughters.  Too much damage has been done.  Years of gratitude when they got what they wanted then ungratefulness and disrespect when they misunderstood or perceived they were wronged, have left me drained and not wanting to deal with them, period.  Nor do I want them around my kids.  If they can treat their own father, who has been there for them despite the many obstacles he's faced, the way that they do, then they are not good examples or positive role models for my kids.  It has been a documented pattern of them only being nice when they wanted something and then treating us horribly the rest of the time.  Time and time again, we have forgiven them, but I will no longer let them take their problems out on me, despite the many times they've said they're "over it".  I used to be a very positive person, somewhat skeptical but always positive.  Sadly, I have allowed these girls and their behavior to make me cynical and I dislike feeling that way.

I digress.  This is no longer about them.  For myself and for my little ones, I have to get my walk with Christ back on track, regardless of how my husband's daughters feel about me (or my husband) or how they treat us.  I know, ultimately, the relationship that matters is the eternal one with our Father.  From that all other relationships extend.

I often think of my kids' future, with their special needs and what they will have to endure.  If my faith falters, so will theirs.  We all experience suffering, but when you add special needs or circumstances to the mix it makes things even more difficult, perhaps even unbearable.  I don't ever want my kids to fall so deep into a dark abyss because of their disabilities that they can't come out of it.

I'm currently reading a book titled If God Is Good.  It is thick book; my first reaction when I got it was "dang, it's a dictionary!"  It's aimed at non-believers, atheists and struggling believers that argue that if God is good, why is their suffering.  It is exactly the book I need to get me back on track.  This is something that I started struggling with after my daughter was born because I couldn't (and still really can't) understand why any child fresh from the womb is "punished" for the sins of Adam and Eve.  On my "bad" days, I find myself in tears telling my husband that it is NOT MY CHILD'S fault that Adam and Eve chose to sin.  And while I've read the Bible from front to back, understand free will and know in my heart that Christ died for me on the cross, I struggle with why?  Why create a world filled with horrible people, unimaginable suffering, incurable diseases and pure heartache?  Why even create a world where the Son of GOD has to endure thorns, lashes, ridicule and nails for a world created by GOD Himself?  WHY?!?!  Damn it, WHY?!?!?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I don't have the answers how could I possibly answer my kids when they will one day ask me "Why did God make me this way?" or "Why did God do this to me?"  Aaah, writing that just crushed my heart.  I know one day they will ask me and I want to be able to give them the right answer.

So, I'm slowly reading the book.  I'll share what I've learned with you along with my Thursday Thirteens and cooking segments.  I will still rant, rave and run, but with a different attitude.  I've imported only parts of my old blog into this one, leaving the dark side behind.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I just love the colors here! Your daughter is too cute!